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im gone to find someone to live for in this world. [12.26.05;1208am] [ mood | cold ] yaaaa...um, no more jess & dave. we just recently broke up. just letting all you guys know. don't pity me, i don't need pity right now. get over it cause that's what i'm trying really hard to do right now. :/ kyyyyle<3 THANK YOU! :] you have NO idea. DEAR DAVID, i can honestly say that i've had some of the best times of my life when i was with you. things were perfect and i thought it would stay that way forever. i thought YOU were my forever. i thought i knew what i wanted and i thought things could never & WOULD never change or end. well guess what...i was wrong. things changed, and things got weird and annoying. we fought more and more and we sort of developed a brother/sister relationship. it was aggrivating. then i realized that we were better off as friends...cause that's when we were most happy. when we played video games and watched movies and went shopping, things that friends do, we were happy. but when it came down to actually being in love...we got annoyed. we would fight about the stupidest things like..."no i do more in this relationship.", "i put more effort in.", "but i spend all my money on you dave.", "i drive you everywhere you want to go jess." why couldn't we just be happy and in love like we were in the start. psh, who knows. i certaintly don't. i mean, yes i've changed...but you have to remember that when you met me i was 13...13 DAVE! i was a baby and still am. i'm still growing and still undecided about what i want in life. you were jealous and so was i. but i stopped being jealous and you continued with all that crap. i don't want that. i don't want someone to hold me down, i don't want to feel like i'm chained down to something or just anything like that. i'm 16, i want to be free and i want us to still be best friends...forever, no matter what. i love you, my best friend. you know i always will. love, jess. THE END. BANG!

kyle james brown bandana verhelst! [12.13.05;1131pm] [ mood | high ] HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLE! i love you more than brown bandanas :] i just got off the phone with kyle, i'm crazy tired right now. time to go watch family guy. oh & btw thank you glen and chantel. you know why. i love you guys. GOODNIGHT!♥ BANG!

prettypretty♥ [12.13.05;321am] [ mood | numb ] what a weird time in my life this is. they don't teach you how to deal with shit like this in school :/ BANG!

:] & :[ [12.11.05;1148am] [ mood | confused ] "i'm going to call you tomorrow, the next day, and the next day after that. whatever it takes for me to stop missing you." that's what he said. BANG!

you're smile is like the sun to me. [12.10.05;1230pm] [ mood | blank ] it's been a while :/ sorry. this past week has been pretty busy. i've been christmas shopping and decorating my house and room with my family, plus...work gets the best of me, i swear. i don't know if it's because of the weather but i've been feeling like shit lately. i mean, for no reason. i have no need to be feeling the way that i do. :[ i guess i just want winter to be over already and i want summer vacation to be here. i want to graduate high school and be on my own. i just hate where i am right now in my life. god, sometimes i can just be so ungrateful so i'm going to shut up about feeling like shit. i have my stupid chorus concert tomorrow. i really don't want to go but i guess i have to. dave's coming so it won't be that bad, i'm sure. kyle's birthday is in 3 days, he graduates in 4. he'll be in arizona for christmas :[ & i don't think i'll be seeing him til jan. it's ok. i want so much right now. sometimes i feel so dead. i saw a car accident today & the car was flipped upside down. it reminded me of maleni. i think about maleni everyday. i miss her. i miss her smile. i miss her being in school. i miss her laugh. i miss having her as a friend. i hate this. why do i always get so emotional when i write in here. goodbye ---> ♥ BANG!

you spin me right 'round baby, right 'round. [12.03.05;1202am] [ mood | cheerful ] WOW! it's already freaking 3 days into december. this is nuts. i can't wait for christmas to be here. my life is getting boring! it's the same thing everyday. i think the most interesting thing that happened today was that i dropped my snapple while walking in the halls and it shattered everywhere. i laughed and said..."oops, i made a boo boo." haha. ya, CAUTION CONNNEEEE!! oh man. the mall was full with crunchy ass kids today. i haven't been to the mall on a friday since forever, so i went today with dave to look around for christmas stuff. we ended up leaving because it was just fucking ridiculous. fucking kids who go to the mall are soo queer and they are all posers. it's funny to watch them though. oh and we ran into brandon and chelsea! i love them :] i love chelsea more, but ssshhh...don't tell brandon i said that! haha. anyways, i'm going to go listen to music because i'm bored. hmmmm, ya. PEACE! BANG!

for you. [11.30.05;256pm] [ mood | crushed ] i think of every mile that seperates us, and how if it was up to me i would create an underground tunnel so that i could see you everyday. we would meet every night and no one would know about it. we'd sing together and laugh. this distance kills me. i think i love you. our love rides on shooting stars. BANG!

leave your baggage at the back door. [11.27.05;352pm] [ mood | cold ] hey guys. my thanksgiving vacation is finally at it's end :[ thanksgiving was nice though. spent it with family and friends. i hung out with kyle last night. we ate at i-hop and just moped around lol. i-hop seriously has the best pancakes in the world. i mean, i wasn't even in the mood for pancakes, but when i took that first bite, man it was love! we had fun. he seemed pretty upset the whole night though. i mean, just the thought of him going back to that hell...i feel bad for him. i wish he could stay. one thing's for sure though, i miss him already and i'll miss him til i see him in jan. i just hope he has a nice christmas when he comes back to spend it with his family. well, family is over and i have to work soon. i should go mingle. iight?? peace! ps...haha i said "iight" i'm funny. BANG!

enjoy your speghetti, because you're rude. [11.20.05;1016am] [ mood | exhausted ] haha, i love my headline because it's DANE COOK! yaaaaaaa, kiiid! :] anyways. friday. SENIOR BANQUET! there's a huge story about how we got to whites but i don't feel like typing it all out. but let's just say me and jessica smith had the best time ever. psshh, leaving school just to get chicken. I LOVE YOU JESS! the banquet was alot of fun :] me and jess looked hottt. saturday. went to work all fucked up so they sent me home. i came home and just slept forever. and that brings us to today! woo. i cleaned my room really good. it's crazy cause now i can see my floor again. i worked 4-9, woo. kyle called me before work. that poor fucking kid, he's really really sick. i can't wait to see him in 3 days! he says he might stay down here too since he's so sick. i have so much to tell you guys! but i hate typing right now. so i'm going to bed. ya. peace. the. fuck. out. whores. :] BANG!

i'm outside of your window ; with my radio. [11.16.05;1122pm] [ mood | awake ] i'm going to senior banquet this friday! yaaa, sonnn! :] today was pretty much the same thing. school & work. i'm not too tired tonight. well, family guy is about to give so i'm out-ah here! love you assholes, ADIOS! [ps...kyle, you got me in the habit of wearing spandex, YOU JERK! haha.] BANG!

you baked it in cakes for me. [11.15.05;1114pm] [ mood | exhausted ] i am so exhausted. i've been getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night for the past week. i just want a day to myself to sleep and not have to do anything and not worry about anything. i'm still in uniform cause i had work today. i need to take a shower, straighten my hair, and then go to sleep. school was the best today. i love jessica smith. i'm going to senior banquet this friday. sometimes i love everything. but right now is not one of those times. um ya, i'm all set with the whole updating thing. peace the fuck out, bitches. BANG!

x♥x [11.13.05;110pm] [ mood | bored ] sorry i haven't updated in 4 days. work has been crazy. last night i went out with my two best friends! christine and heather!! we had such a great time. we ate at friendlys, then rented office space and watched it at heather's house. it was a really funny movie. i don't know, i just miss them so much and i had alot of fun with them last night. today i work 4 til 9. wow finally...normal hours lol. long hours suck. but anyways. i'm so tired, i should go get some more sleep so i can be good for work tonight. so uh ya, goodnight? lol peace. 1 ♥ BANG!

crazzzzy bitch♥ [11.09.05;1033pm] [ mood | cranky ] just got in from work. i smell. i'm tired. adios loves! ; jess :] BANG!

i've lied to myself and said that it was for the best. [11.08.05;1052pm] [ mood | drained ] i feel so drained. it's like...work, school, work, school! i can never sleep at night because i'm always thinking about the stuff i have to do. so many tests this year, so many bitchy ass people at work. so much rude-ness, so much bullshit. why can't this be my senior year?!? anyways. i'm still in uniform haha. i'm working crazy hours, & i'm working until midnight on thursday. OH MY GOD, that's going to suck because it's going to tire me out. but the night crew is the shit and i have no school or work the next day, plus it'll be a friday. woo! but hey, i guess i can never really complain about all this shit. i mean...with the whole school thing i have to think about how it's going to be great for my future and shit. and my job is great because of the money. god, i just want to marry a rich doctor so i can sit in my mansion all day counting money & shopping &...NOT WORKING, haha. ya right, only in my dreams. wendy's is my furture, lmao. aaaaannnnndddd i'm spent!♥ [p.s.; kyle, i love how i walk down near the gyms and randomly see a picture of you on the little collages things haha. i never even noticed that picture there! aww, you had a tie on. so precious!] BANG!

i miss maleni :[ [11.07.05;728pm] [ mood | emotional ] i feel so useless right now. you guys. maleni is gone. maleni isn't on vacation in florida. she's not sick and out of school, she's not playing hide and go seek. she's dead. maleni sousa is dead, my friend is dead. she was playing around with my phone and the next day she died. why couldn't i have died instead of her? i mean, atleast if i died there wouldn't be so much pain. maleni was great, maleni was beautiful. i know now that i must be grateful for what i have. but to tell you all the truth...a little part of me died when maleni did & i honestly hate life a little more every single day because she's gone. i mean, what if someone else dies and i'm not even over maleni. what if chantel...or angie...or dave, or just some other person that i love so much just dies. i think if i lost another friend i would just die all together. i don't know, i guess i just wanted to write this entry to let my friends know that i love them. chantel - you ARE my sister. i have so much fun with you and if i ever lost you i don't know what i would do. maleni's gone so we have to stick together..and when i say that i mean the whole morning crew. i love you. angie - oh my fucking god, if you even know half of what you mean to me i think you'd cry and buy me a halmark card. seriously, i can talk to you and feel totally comfortable. when i look back at all the friends i've had since freshman year i can proudly say that you're one of them who know the true meaning of real friendship. i love you. dave - we've been through it all. i don't think hell could seperate us now, it would be impossible. no one has ever treated me like you have and i'm thankful for you everyday. you're my bestfriend, you're just everything. you've made me laugh at times when i thought i was going to die. and you were there for me every second as soon as you found out maleni died. no one will ever take away what we have, no one. i love you. my brother, mike - we've always had a weird hate/love relationship. but deep down no matter what i love you and always have a fun time when i'm around you. your'e difficult at times and so am i. but i love it when we're out just having a good time cause it makes me think about how cool of a brother i really have. i love you block head. christine - my godmother, my cousin, my older sister, my fucking role model. you've made such an impact on my life. i only wish i could do the same for you. it's just hard cause you're so much smarter and so much more beatiful and you always find the right things to say at the perfect times. i love you no matter what, no fight, no boy or girl, not anything could ever tear us apart. i love you. heather - my best friend. i don't know how i'll repay you for what you've done for me these past couple of years. you've always looked out for me and cared for me. you've always made me feel so great about myself and you made me like myself alot more. you and christine are the best people to hang out with. i love you so much heather, you have no idea how great of a best friend you are. and just everyone else who has made me smile, laugh, and has just been a great friend. ALISIA, TINA, NIKITA, ILLIDIO, GLEN-DAA, TANYA, MY FAMILY! & if i forgot anyone it's because i'm crying my eyes out right now and can't think straight. i'll probably end up fixing this later anyways. my god, i'm getting off now. night♥ 2 ♥ BANG!

this means nothing. [11.07.05;301pm] [ mood | blah ] it's been a while. sometimes you just realize things. like how fighting for that one thing you love wasn't even worth it in the end. sometimes you think about what you have right now in your life, and yes you're greatful, but you want more. you want what comes to you late at night in your dreams. you want things that to others seem possible, but to you seems like the most impossible task you will ever have to accomplish. sometimes you look at the one you're with and feel so unhappy and so unsatisfied that you think of the one you could be with and think about how all your dreams would come true if you could just be with that one special person. but then you realize that they are so far away, you realize that the only love you can feel right now is with that person who makes you feel unhappy and unsatisfied. it's weird, it's weird because that person who is far away is just as taken away by you as you are of them...but yet it doesn't work. you are stuck. you find yourself thinking about the far away person all the time, even when you're with the person who makes you feel stuck. you think about how you would do anything to get away and be far away with that person. and as all these thoughts come into mind you realize how horrible things just are. then you feel guilt for being so selfish. you realize that you have something that other don't get to enjoy, and that's emotions, health...just everyday life...even if it does suck. so ya, just ignore everything i just wrote. it means nothing and it has nothing to do with anything. leave me alone. BANG!

i'm content with this life that i lead, where i drink too much & don't believe in much of anything. [10.25.05;726am] [ mood | tired ] i'm so tired from working late last night. at least it wasn't too busy throughout the day. i'm home from school because my crazy, portuguese parents aren't letting me out of the house because of the weather. ya, they're nuts. it's not even too too bad. i mean, the wind is pretty bad but it's not raining as hard as it was late last night. they said that it's going to stay like this all day and that i'm going to have to call out of work. eh, i don't really want to...but if they're not going to bring me to work then i have no ride. whatever. well as for me i'm totally drained right now. my toosh is going back to bed! night...well morning? haha, shut up jessica. BANG!

first entry ;x [10.24.05;257pm] [ mood | cheerful ] HI! ok, lately i've been pretty gay with journals and updating them so i made this new one so i can start all over. things have been pretty good. work is great & i'm making really good money. school is so much fun. and me and dave are fantastic. the only thing that totally sucks right now is that kyle is still away in north carolina for the marines. but good news!, he's coming home for 5 days for thanksgiving! woo! i want to sit here and write about all the new things in my life...but my ass has to go and get ready for work. i'm so tired. i wish i didn't have to work til 10. ♥jess! 2 ♥ BANG!

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